Secret Garden meeting..

I have ran across this blog several times before and just never participated..lurked in at the other grieving parents from time to time.. 3 grieving mothers created the site as a network for others and to share stories and our childrens stories.. One thing I worry about so often is how people seem to have already forgotten about Ella, about her disease, her fight, everything about her.. It seems as though its taboo to talk about her..it gets so quiet often when I mention her name.. I worry about me forgetting about her, not as though I enjoy the pain.. but it keeps me certain..certain that I will never forget her, certain that I still love her as much as I ever have.. I don't want for her to not be a part of the rest of my life, just because she is not here with us today.. I am not sure if any of that makes sense..anyhow.. I want Ella's legacy to be remembered I guess is the short of it.. and taking part in this secret garden meeting is a way for me to talk about her and not worry about the weirdness that may or may not occur..... the subject this time is the nursery.


If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.
I had decided very early on if we had a girl I wanted it to be brown and pink.. I know it's everywhere, but all of the girl bedding I liked was brown and pink.. We searched and searched and I fell in love with her bedding when I first saw it on one of the ebay stores.. we ordered it and got to work. Her room was cayden's old spongebob room.. with the blue walls and everything..we used a ton of kilz and finally covered it.. We painted the bottom half (little over half) brown and put in a chair rail and the top is pink. I was given a crib by a friend, that could be a 4 post or a canopy.. We had decided for a while at least to do the canopy, at least until she was old enough to grab and pull on it, then we would take it down.. We worked on it for a long time, until it was perfect.. I wanted all things girly, and no certain theme..it turned out beautiful
Did you have it ready for them before they were born?
Yes, we finished with about 2 weeks to spare, clothes all put away and ready to go..
If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?
Ella was not a great sleeper, so we did not use her room for sleeping very often. she slept in a bassinet in our room until she passed.. I would take her in there to rock her or to let her play.. if it was too loud or if she seemed stressed out we would escape in there..
Did you pack it all away?
No, I just cant.. we did put her bassinet, stroller and carseat in there..I went in a few weeks ago and straightened it up again...
What is your baby's room now?
it is still her room.. we go in when we miss her, when our grief is too much..its turned into somewhat of a sanctuary.. other than that we leave the door closed and the light off..
If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born? We have talked about this before and I really don't know.. the baby would have to use it, or share with Cayden.. I think if we had another girl, we would change some things around, maybe take out items that were specific to ella..if it were a boy.. I really don't know.. I guess we will just have to wait and see..

below are a few pics.. the pics kind of make the color appear pepto-pink, but you get the jist..

this is the bedding and a few of her hundreds of stuffed animals from family and friends..