Monday, September 28, 2009

his eyes.. its just not fair...

I keep drifting back to that day, that morning when she let go and flew.. I think about how peaceful it was..I think about the feelings of random panic, wait, bring her back, intubate, I'm not ready.. forget the DNR.. I would feel myself let go, and just get that overwhelming peace all of the sudden..the silent whisper in my ear, reminding me that she is okay, I've got her.. Cayden arrived a little after she passed. He was with his Nana.. they didn't know she was gone yet, the social worker met them in the waiting room.. she talked to him and told him she was gone from this earth..he held his head in his hands and cried.. A little while later he came in to see her..with everyone gone except me and Jay..and strict instructions of no crying.. He walked in and his eyes met mine..I was holding her in a chair..he walked up looked at her and squeezed her hand a little, I told him it did not hurt her, but it could still bruise her.. he ran his fingers through her hair and down her face..then it happened..his eyes met mine and just like that my little boy was gone.. One by one the tears fell down his face and he simply said "she is better now.." Jay and I nodded in agreement, both choking back the tears.. the young hopeful boy was now a serious and realistic young man..in a blink, he changed..his eyes changed..Now and then I see him, the old him, but its a flicker.. I remember always telling my mom when I was younger, this or that isn't fair..she would always say "Jen, life isn't fair.." my whining's were normally pointed at my brothers bothering me, or my parents not letting me go to the movies, nothing of any importance really.. Cayden never says that.. or anything relatively close to that.. I don't have to tell him life isn't fair.. He knows its not.. he knows its not about fairness, its about God's will.. he is only 9 years old..NINE YEARS OLD!! and has been through so much.. he shouldn't know about this kind of loss, this kind of pain..he should still be the happy and hopeful little boy he was.. but he's not..and once again.. I am stuck thinking..its just not fair..

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Oh Jen this struck a note with me. You see Amy was my "not Fair" Kid. Often I look back and wish I could take back every timed I snipped at her "Well Life's not fair". I don't think it prepared her in any way for Life as we know it. As for Cayden, I agree no child should have to face loss of a dear sister at his age. My heart aches. I am so sorry. I Love you guys, Shelley

Just Breathe said...

I don't know how you can even type this. Were do you get the strength to put these words together. You did a wonderful job of explaining each moment. Obviously my heart felt your sadness but it just went into my stomach for your son and his heartache for his sister. We know she is in a better place, in Gods arms, but it's not fair. I will pray for comfort for all of you.

Mary said...

Jen, I am in tears for the innocence lost. I am in tears for you and Cayden and Ella. It isn't fair. You little man is a very strong one.

Bree said...

That is so heartwrenching. I'm so sorry. It is so sad that Cayden had to learn such a difficult lesson at such a young age.

Tiffany Lockette said...

Jen, it is so unbelievably not fair. All you can do for him is try and be there for him, talk to him about her and try each and every day to make him smile even if it's only for a second. Time won't make you forget but it will heal the hurt a little each day. Thinking of you and praying for you guys.

Franchesca Cox said...

What a sad, but beautiful post. This brought so much back for me. That moment that Jenna flew away and I was in complete and utter shock. Maybe it was the hand of God shielding me from grief heavy enough to kill me that moment. I cannot imagine what it is like to watch your other child(ren) grieve. I can only imagine it hurts that much worse. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing your heart. XX